Retrospect  In the company of ghosts
by Genarog
Summary: Two times they didn't work out. TandaxBalsa
1. Retrospect

Retrospect + In the company of ghost  
>Fandom: Serei no Moribito<br>Pairing: undertones of TandaxBalsa  
>Rating: PG<br>Two times they didn't work out. 

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><p><em>Retrospect<em>

"I realized…that the passage of time changes many things, when my cute little brother suddenly grew into a man."

That was what she had said…and now?  
>Now she had underestimated time again.<p>

Looking back at her conversation with Torogai in the hot springs at the emperor's court…she had ignored the old woman's warning then. Too lost in her grief over the loss of Chagum. The second prince that had over the course of their time spent together managed to sneak his way into her heart. He really had been like a son she never had.

So she had decided to leave for Kanbal. To lay Jiguro's soul to rest and to try easing her pain. It is said that time heals all wounds, after all.

And when she returned to Yogo, she felt as if she had finally relieved herself of all her 'baggage'. And she is overcome by a strange light-heartedness. That is, until she learns about Tanda…and meets the woman he married. The woman that is nothing like Balsa herself. She isn't strong, isn't able to live alone, doesn't stand up for herself. She didn't know Tanda all his life…but she doesn't have to.

She fell in love with Tanda while watching him steeping herbs for her grandfather. It was a good match, or so she had said herself. But now she hates herself for it…

There is a deep ache in her heart now. And ironically, this time he really is the only cure. 


	2. In the Company of Ghosts

_In the company of ghosts_

She had always been chasing ghosts.

"I'll save eight lives in order to redeem myself and atone for the people that died to enable me to live." * It had been the last promise she had made to Jiguro, so the man she loved almost like a father could depart peacefully. So that she could continue living.

Balsa had known it wouldn't be an easy task, even before she had spoken the words. Even without her surrogate father's warning. In the end it had taken her almost ten years of her life, but she had done it. Had held onto the spirit of her vow to Jiguro's ghost as well as the ones of the 'Eight Spears.' She had saved eight people without taking a single life.

It hadn't eased her heart, however…

So after the farewell from Chagum, she had set her sights on yet another quest. And like this, she had departed for Kanbal. In order to finally lay to rest the man that had spent his life protecting her.

…

Tanda had said that she was always chasing ghosts once.

That had been a long time ago. Before the illness.

They had told her later that he had beeninfected with something while helping the people of a small village, supplying them with herbs. His health hadn't been at his best for some time after she left and he eventually ended up bed-ridden. Battling a fever for days and weeks.

That was how she had found him. Pale, sweating, his body wracked with fever or heavy bouts of shivering. The one time he had woken coherent enough to recognize her, he had given her a smile. And although they did all they could, his soul had departed that night, leaving behind only a body for her to bury.

…

"It had been his only wish to see you again. Therefore he died as a happy and content man. He didn't have any regrets."

But she did have them. Things that she regretted. And despite what offered of comfort, she couldn't quiet shake the feeling that the wise shaman blamed her for this. And even now, after years and years, she still catches herself starring at nothing, thinking of a caring nature and gentle smile. Spending her time in the company of memories of things long gone.

While deep down she knows that she is chasing after a ghost again.

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><p>AN for 'In the company of ghosts':  
>* "I promise to save eight lives to atone for their souls…" is the actual quote from the subs I had. I tweaked it a bit to fit my purposes, however. Inspired by sciathan_filelj's fanfiction 'For Every Thing There Is A Season' which said "He is living and she has gone after ghosts"<p> 


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